Apple are missing a trick, you know?
Their adverts show that the iPhone is a truly marvellous
machine, able to answer all the queries that we already know the answer to
("Siri, who is my brother?"), as well as making it exceptionally easy
for us to spend a small fortune on games we already played for free on flash
websites. It does this because it is such an unobtrusive little device, a
portal directly into our bank accounts that somehow manages to bypass all that
messy "Should I actually be buying this?" malarkey that our brains usually
bother us with. It has a hardwired connection to our pleasure centres, and once
you get one in your possession it becomes borderline impossible to imagine life
without one.
Where you once sneered that mobile games were no substitute
for the real thing, you now celebrate the latest mini-masterpiece. All your
friends are playing it, after all, so it would be rude to not join in. Be it
flinging furious avians at porcine egg-thieves, escaping the clutches of some
very nasty simians, or just building an aeronautical empire, at some point we
have all found ourselves deep in the clutches of the kind of games that
seemingly ONLY phones can provide. We play them at every spare moment; whilst
semi-watching TV, or waiting for the bus. Or, in one other locale.
Of course, nobody ever mentions this last place. Nobody
seems to admit to it readily at all. Everybody goes there, multiple times
daily, and yet it as is this is some esoteric secret area, with ceremonies
known only to the lucky few. I do it, you do it, and he does it. Yet, it as if
nobody does it.
What the HELL are you talking about, Lee?
I'm talking about the toilet.
If you have had your iPhone for more than about 3 days, then
by now you may well have succumbed to the temptation. It starts off innocently
enough, at first. You are JUST shy of a new high-score, or 3-starring that
level that has been bugging you all night. Even worse, perhaps you need to wait
3 more minutes to be able to build something else, but if you wait 2 more
minutes you will make a horrible mess? Whatever the actual gateway is, sooner
or later, you walk through.
And then, sheer bliss. Beautiful relief. Heaven in hand-held
form.
It's not actually the phone, you know? It's that holding it
in and the resultant adrenaline hit that is the real biggie. However, if this
just happens to be combined with the dopamine hit from completing whatever task
you just broke your personal barrier for, then the result is deadly.
For, now, you realise that you can just do this every time
you go to the loo!
It's a slippery slope, my friends. A slippery, smelly, and
sometimes sticky slope. Gone are the days when you went in, evacuated, and then
left. They are replaced with a whole new routine. Suddenly, visits to the
bathroom are that little bit more ... welcomed. They last that little bit
longer. Before you know it, you are unable to go into the room without taking
your phone, even if you weren't actually playing something already. You enter
into a trance-like state, where you are no longer aware of the passage of time
until your other half bangs on the door saying "HURRY UP, I NEED TO
GO!"
Beware, mobile gamer, for this is an inevitability. This
will happen to you, the same as it happened to everyone else. Pretty soon, you
will start to plan around it. At work, you look at the clock and think
"This is a reasonable enough time to nip off and get a couple of shots of Bejewelled
Blitz in". And so, off you go. Because the phone is always with you, no
pantomime is needed. You just go, and ... uh ... go.
Your colleagues all know what you are up to, naturally. But,
a silent and unwritten pact has been entered into. We all stay quiet about it,
possibly due to some mutual shame. We KNOW that when we read a tweet from any
app that the person who sent it had their pants around their ankles at the
time, but we never think of it this way. We may even realise that our latest
Draw Something picture was done this way. (SOMETHING has to explain the sheer
amount of penises.) But we block this behaviour from our minds, thus making it
acceptable. Each and every one of us thinks it is their own dirty little
secret.
Apple never mentions this on the ads. The App Store keeps it
under wraps. Even your friends, back when they first started evangelising the
phone itself, kept this one to themselves. The conspiracy of silence is so
complete that you may not even be aware it is there at all. Which is odd,
because when you think about it, it is pretty damn awesome that you can game
whilst taking a dump. Even more awesome once you think about the sheer convenience
of it, because if you grab your DS then everybody knows what you are up to, but
your phone is so natural that even though everybody secretly knows, they
publicly don't even suspect.
Yup. Apple sure are missing a trick. Ads that convey this
idea. "Top Crapper Apps" lists*. As all-pervading as they now are,
there are still sectors of society that look at anything Apple and think it is
somewhat above them. But, if this cat were let out of the bag, well ... there
would be no reasons left. How could you hate a company with that level of
honesty?
Oh, and just in case you go this way, Apple; I accept
cheques, BACS, PayPal, or even good old-fashioned cash.
*Angry Birds, unquestionably. Without the bathroom, I would never have gotten 3 stars on any levels beyond the first few.
I show no shame in my bathroom gaming habits. My iPad comes with me!
ReplyDeleteYou are ahead of the curve! Just beware of the potential side-effect of suddenly needing to go to the toilet any time you pick your iPad up. That could get messy on a bus journey...
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